Friday, January 17, 2014

Beloved John Pontius on Divorce and Surrendering

The Power of Surrender

August 6, 2011 by John Pontius
 
 
 
 
 
 
31 Votes

One of your comments about guilt gave me a thought that I haven’t had for a few years, it is how Mormons can be so driven that they run in exhaustion from church assignment to assignment with their primary feeling being guilt rather than joy and peace. Victoria called it “more of a woman thing”, which I think may be a true statement, but not universal. The reason is probably (notice the equivocation) because women naturally feel more spiritual and devotional than men, and have a greater tendency to expect perfection of themselves.
This is hard to write about because it is so personal, and so precious to me. I also trust my unseen friends of the Un-Blog will understand. I never mean such stories to do anything other than glorify God.
I lived many years in this same harried state mentioned above, where service to family competes with service to God, and where there is never enough time to do all you feel you must, and guilt fills the voids scraped into the polished surface of the still-undone.
At the time I’m referencing I was on the High Council, teaching Gospel Doctrine, running two businesses, struggling financially and raising teenagers. I felt happy, but I also felt exhaustion and I knew there had to be a lot more joy in the Gospel from doing “everything”, than I was experiencing.
One evening I felt the power of the Spirit flowing during prayer, and I sincerely asked for the Lord to show me where the JOY was, and how to obtain it. It might have been a few days or weeks later, but in my memory of those times, it happened very suddenly.
My life fell apart.
Among other things, my wife told me she wanted a divorce after admitting to an affair. She took off her garments and quit attending church. She began to actively try to persuade our children to leave the church. My oldest son had just received a mission call, and she did everything she could think of to dissuade him from going. I found out I was being audited by the IRS for my business and personal taxes. (After three years and 25,000 dollars in accountant and legal fees, they found nothing wrong and walked away.) This is just the things I feel comfortable sharing in detail. The greatest challenge was that lies and false accusations got me removed from the High Council and began a 10 year period of persecution by those I loved.
After nearly a year, I realized that there was no possible solution, no happy ending to these things. I also realized that after the divorce I would never be trusted in a church calling such as a bishop or anything greater. I might lose my kids spiritually and physically, and I realized it would cost me everything I had worked for during my lifetime. I also realized with deep sorrow that I could not complete my life’s mission – which meant I could not expect or hope for eternal life.
I fell on my knees once again and wept, knowing that I had failed in the most basic and important ways, and it had happened because of nothing I had done. None of it was my choice. I wept and wept. I didn’t beg or bargain – I just surrendered. Quite a while into this prayer, after the tears, I had the thought that I was not going to be robbed of everything, at least I would give as much as I had to God – in spite of the fact that I knew it would not change the outcome of my life.
In that prayer I laid what very little I had left upon the altar – as paltry as it was, it was all His. I knew it wasn’t enough, but it was all I had. I was done – defeated – failed. Nothing remained. I had no worth, and no will because I had given it all away, whatever I had, whatever I was, including my will and my life, it was God’s. I expected to die, to have the air sucked out of my lungs, and I would have surrendered that too.
But, in that instant, the joy came – waves and waves of it. Joy so infused with peace that it was hard to tell where the one ended and the other began. It is a joy I still feel today. I was astonished to finally see that it wasn’t about how much I had left to put on the altar, but that it was absolutely everything.
It was then that the heavens opened, and the visions began. Before that day, I had felt and believed a great deal, but I had not seen with my eyes, or heard with my ears, or handled with my hands, such things as began that day, and have continued in increasing power unto this.
This is the power of surrender. Everything I lost was restored 100 fold, and the joy continues.
Brother John
© August 2011, John M. Pontius, all rights reserved. Non-commercial reproduction permitted.

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  1. Thank you John. I too have been through the excruciating pain of divorce. I wept uncontrollably the day my wife told me she no longer believed the gospel.
    She is happy in her new faith…. I drifted on auto pilot for a number of years fighting the pain and watching my family fall apart. To this day, none of my 6 children want anything to do with the church. While they were growing up we sang hymns together, had our home evenings, prayed together and read The Book of Mormon together. My children and I continue to have wonderful and loving relationships…. I’ve learned over the years to bear my testimony more meekly and humbly to them than I did when they were children. There continues to be an ache (and guilt) in my heart…. especially when I hear “by their fruits ye shall know them.”
    I do have a wonderful wife now…. you met her at the Santaquin fireside. She is good to me and my children and even my ex-wife. I’m grateful to the Lord for her… especially since I expected to live the remainder of my life alone. She has been a blessing.
    There is more I could share but shouldn’t here. I continue in patience and hope that I too will know as you know someday…. and that the heavens will open for me too. Again, thank you for sharing.
    -kind regards
  2. Brother John,
    Thank you for this beautiful post. What you said here:
    “this same harried state mentioned above, where service to family competes with service to God, and where there is never enough time to do all you feel you must” really resonated with me.
    It is one thing to understand that we must shed all of our selfishness and turn completely to Christ. It is much more difficult (for me) to figure out how much time I should spend serving my family vs. serving others. With young children to care for, I feel that I could serve my family 24 hours per day and never run out of things to do! Then the church service and everything else…sometimes it feels like too much.
    In FTL, you discussed how we will never be able to keep all of the commandments all of the time– that there will be “too many barns that need painting in in our lives”. Then you said, “The Lord will not judge us according to our barns, He will judge us according to our heart.” That has brought me great comfort.
    I wonder if I have not surrendered as fully as I should. I find moments of joy to be fleeting much of the time.
    • Dear Pondering,
      I like your handle – Pondering. It is significant. These things are all a progression – from faith to knowledge to privilege to power. The Lord doesn’t expect us to have arrived, just that we are Pondering and progressing.
      See, you are just perfect.
      JMP
  3. Thank you for sharing such a personal life experience. It gives me hope amid losing my eternal companion to drugs, losing my job, and losing my dream home due to divorce and forclosure. I do not know why I am going through these challenges but I know the Lord does and this gives me peace. I trust that he will help me find the joy too.
    Thanks again for your touching story. It makes my heart ache for all you are and have gone through. But am thankful for who He has made you into so I and the other unbloggers can be uplifted and inspired each day.
    • Kris, you are so kind. The truth is, we are all struggling, and it does give hope to hear of relief and joy on the horizon. This principle of surrendering all is so important to our spiritual joy. I really hope many heard more than just a story. There really is a principle of power I hoped would be visible to those with eyes to see.
      JMP
  4. on August 6, 2011 at 9:18 PM | Replydarrell brashear
    Thank you brother John for sharing such sacred and precious information with us. I pondered over it again and again. It made me think of the scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that reads, “Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.” (Doctrine and Covenants 101:4).
    Your story makes me think also of the brother of Jared when he saw the Lord in His beauty, and the ancients here in America after the three days of darkness
    when the Lord appeared unto them “that they might know that He is God”, and even the Lord’s apostle Thomas when he said “My Lord and my God”.
    I know that because Jesus Christ Himself is the prototype, that He Himself had to feel that His mission failed, and I believe He felt that when He said “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) He had felt the Father with Him all the days of His life, and now when He was carrying the sins of all mankind and now the Father had to withdraw from Him and He felt totally alone, but He surrendered all that He had even so. It was the love He had for His Father and for all of us that enabled Him to totally surrender, even after feeling forsaken and alone.
    Your story gave me hope and encouragement.
    Brother D.
    • I had never considered that Christ at some point might have felt himself a failure. I don’t know, but it is possible. Those were very dark times for Him. Thank you for your words and faith.
      JMP
  5. on August 7, 2011 at 12:32 AM | Replycheyenne brashear
    Brother John, I feel very honored that you have shared such a sacred experience with us. The fact that the Spirit has enabled you to share something so great gives me hope; I don’t think He would if those of us on this sight couldn’t benefit from it, and if we weren’t going to experience these same things for ourselves one day.
    I remember counseling with God at one time about how I would know which sacred experiences I could or should share with others, and which ones I could not. He asked me to evaluate the feelings in my heart: Am I wanting to share something to glorify God or to glorify myself. If I want to share something to glorify myself, I would be doing it out of pride, and those things that I shared with people would actually draw people further from God and further from me. Feelings of apathy, unbelief, annoyance, jealously, or even anger would come about if this was my motive.
    If my desire to share something is to glorify God, then He will show me which people to share things with, and the feelings of my heart will be feelings of love, and the desire to bless and bear record of the goodness and power of God. He told me that these people will always benefit from this, and they would be drawn closer to the Lord.
    I remember reading the prophet Joseph Smith saying something about a person not being fully endowed until they have “handled something”. I feel that after a person has passed through the trial of their faith, and they are redeemed from it by the Lord Jesus christ, they know of His love and sacrifice for them in a way that those who haven’t gone through this yet can’t comprehend. They know He is God in a way that is not possible before this time. I feel that after they have handled and seen for themselves, from that time forth, they bear the marks of the Savior in their own body because they have fellowship with Him now in a very special and unique way.
    There are Two scriptures that I love that have great meaning to me on this very subject. The first scripture is in Philippians 3:7-10, it says”But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is God by faith: That I may know him, and the power of his ressurection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death.”
    The second scripture is in Galatians 6:17, it states: ” From henceforth let no man trouble me: for I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus.”I praise God for His goodness, and I am very excited about what lies ahead. May God bless everyone on this un-blog and everyone elsewhere who desires to come to know Christ. Brother C.
  6. Thank you so much for this post. I’ve also been through a temple divorce. I was praying to gain more knowledge and be of more service, like we read Abraham doing. Soon after, my marriage fell apart. I was going through trials, the likes of which I had not imagined, on a daily basis… a literal battle with Satan. I would save my marriage. “You don’t stand a chance,” he mocked me.
    There could be much to share, but I don’t want to share any “identifying details.”
    I am now happily remarried and sealed for eternity to a wonderful man. And yes, my prayer was answered. I certainly gained more knowledge. Was it the knowledge I had in mind? Not by a long shot. It surpassed anything I had imagined. Am I of more service now in the Church? I think so… one thing I know, I can relate and help people now that I never had anything in common with before… I was in a bit of a bubble… pretty smug in my largely trial-less life.
    I believe I understand your “surrender” principle… but I’ll be honest, I’m a little “gun-shy” after the above experience. I truly want to put everything on the altar, but I also know how hard things can be. It can hurt very badly. Some part of me is holding back. I am trying to get over that.
    I thank the Lord for you, Bro. Pontius!
  7. Brother John, I’ve always looked forward to your posts since I discovered Unblog some months ago. More recently, as readers have started leaving more and more responses, I’ve come to look forward to all of the wonderful comments and questions also. What a wonderful collection of the humble followers of Christ there is to be found here. This Unblog is such an island of peace for me. I’m so glad that you along with the readers decided to post only positive responses in order to eliminate the possibility of bickering and dissension. The Savior said “don’t cast pearls before swine”. That decision may turn this advice around “don’t cast swine before pearls” :) I’m thinking of the swine as dissonance not necessarily bad people.
    • Thank you TDG for those wonderful thoughts, and for the hillarious phrase “swine before pearls”! I am still laughing. It is true, and the wonderfully odd thing is that since deciding to not countenance the negative, there have been only positive comments. It seems like our own little Un-Blog forcefield of grace.
      JMP
  8. on August 19, 2011 at 3:23 AM | ReplyGina Thompson
    When i was a young girl i always felt this close connection to our Heavenly Father, i was one at a young age riding my bike with my radio strapped to the handle bars trying to tune in the Conference from Utah. I lived in Arizona all my life, i would ride along always with a prayer, swim down the bottom of the pool where it was quite talking to him. I have not gone to church now for a while. I have been married 31 yrs, and have fought the feelings for the same gender, had an affair yrs ago, at the time my 3 children were young, but shame followed, I went through disiplinary action. I learned that Repentance was the greatest gift he had givin, what i felt then was a feeling i can’t explain, I never wanted it to go, but little by little lifes journey i got lost. All i ever wanted was to know who i was, and remember asking him for many years show me who i am. Repentance taught me alot, if i could only run from this church so would not have to feel less anymore but how could i deny what repentance gave me. oh what am i in this church and dont know how to be like all these other women. How could i be of any worth, no one would ever listen to me like Chiko Okasaki, no one would respect someone like me. and being away i don’t have to explain myself anymore of my akwardness anymore. Sometimes i just don’t want to read your unblogmysoul because you bring me to this battle of my own soul, but i always return. The power of Surrender i don’t know how to do it.
  9. My first wife, after 15 years of marriage and 4 children, decided to have an affair and was excommunicated. While the affair was going on she called me up at home and said this man with whom she was having the affair was coming over to pick up our children to bring them to where she was. I protested at first, then the Holy Ghost said to me,“Ken, let this happen.” I agreed and after hanging up the phone I went upon my knees for further strength and understanding. The Spirit spoke again to me and said,“Ken, when he gets there shake his hand at the door as your children walk past him.” I protested and said,”I can’t bring myself to do that!” Again the Spirit said,”Ken, judge not. You can do this and I’ll help you to do this.” I pleaded for strength and the power to get off my knees and do as the Lord commanded. When I surrendered totally to Christ with tears and full purpose of heart, the doorbell rang. It was him. The man who was tearing my marriage apart! I got up and followed my children to the door. I looked at him and he looked at me. God gave me the strength to reach out my right hand. Suprised, he extended his and we shook hands. I followed my children to see them get into his car and drive away. I walked back into the house and got half way down the hallway and fell to the floor in agony and tears. I literally crawled on my hands and knees back into the bedroom and fell across the bed and cried out,“God I did it! With Thy help I went and did as thou hast commanded me. Please dear God, don’t ask me to do that again. And Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Only when I had completely surrendered all to the loving arms of Christ did I have the strength and the courage to do His will.
    • That is an amazingly hard experience – but it I am betting your blessings afterward made it worth it. I’ve had similar experiences, and I have found the Lord always repays 100-fold.
      Thanks for sharing this with us,
      John
  10. John,
    The Lord sustained me and blessed me. Three weeks before the divorce was finalized I prayed for further understanding as what I should do once the divorce was completed. The Holy Ghost said to me,”After the divorce is final, (Dec 16, 1996) after the first of the year, seek out your high school sweetheart Renee, for she is still available and living in Southern California.” Amazingly she had never been married even though she had gotten engaged to four college educated, temple worthy returned missionaries during her twenties and broke off each of those engagements because she knew they were not for her. She was encouraged by her family, as I received my answer to find her, to move to Utah where her family would help her restart her life over again at 36 years of age. She prayed and was told,”Stay where you are for now, something wonderful is about to happen.” January came and I used a skip trace tool on the computer and located her mother’s name and phone in a city nearby. The Spirit spoke to me and said, “Ken, make the phone call now.” I called and on the first ring her younger sister answered and said that she and Renee, and their mother and step father had lived there but all had moved out.” She went on to say,”I was here today to pick up the last of the boxes and as I was bending over to unplug the phone sitting on the floor in the empty living room it rang in my face and it was you.” 1 Nephi 3:7 came to my mind. I called the phone number her sister gave me and Renee and I were married a few months later and then sealed in the temple. Blessed beyond measure! God gets all the praise!
    • That was a touching story. Thank you for sharing it.
      I have always experienced that God repays in kind, in time, 100 fold.
      That means, if you sacrifice money, He repays money, when He is ready. It takes a little time. But, he repays 100 fold, which is actually an infinite number. If you sacrifice time, or family, he repays in time and family, but when He is ready, and 100 fold more than you sacrificed.
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